Lack of Feeling
by Lune Nightingale
Summary: What does it feel like to not feel at all? The night after Alphonse confronts Edward with the idea that he may have been programmed to be 'his brother'. Based on the manga only
1. Chapter 1

SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1**Title: **Lack of Feeling

**Author: **Lune Nightingale

**Warnings: **I've not seen the anime, and thus this takes place during the manga. Also, this could be considered really light Elricest... But it could also be completely ignored as well. Oh… and this is my first FMA fic… I sincerely hope it's ok.

**Author's Note: **This is done through Al's point of view.

**Rating: **PG

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything involved in Fullmetal Alchemist. But I'd be very happy to take the Elric brothers off of Arakawa-sensei's hands.

They fought, yet, all siblings fought. There were arguments and fist fights filled with anger and resolve. Yet, even so it never failed to dissolve making both wonder what they were fighting over to begin with. It always seemed like that. Most of the conflicts were even forgotten by the next day only to be eclipsed in the laughter and happiness of life. It was just how children were. It was just how brothers were. Then why was this time any different? Why in all their years together, did it seem as though the world was falling apart?

_How do you prove that something that can't be described, can't be seen, exists?_

Why had those words struck him so strongly? How could a person or thing he'd never met before say something that impacted him so much? Somehow the accusations made the wheels begin to turn and the doubt began to rise. What made matters worse was that Alphonse Elric couldn't do anything but think about it. There was no sleeping. There was no blissful unconsciousness that he could escape to. All there was in his now half life were endless hours with nothing but time to think and mull over things. Things that should never have even become an issue in the first place.

_…It's my fault Al has that body…. He can't eat, sleep, get hurt, or feel…_

Winry had been so angry at him. She'd had every right to be. How could he be so cruel to his older brother? Couldn't he have been rational? No, he had to yell and accuse the young alchemist of something he would never even consider doing. And oddly in that moment in his world of numbness, Al felt a pang in his soul at the look that had filled those gold eyes. Edward Elric wouldn't cry, but behind those windows to the soul, Al knew his brother was breaking. Now it was night not even hours after Ed had knocked reason back into his little brother's now steel head. Now came the part where all slept and he was left all alone.

Alphonse couldn't say he was cold. He couldn't even say he was tired or cry. All he could do was think and regret things he should never have entertained in his head. It was strange, to know you're sad, but not feel the physical degradation that came with the emotion. Sitting silently in the hospital room next to the pristine white bed, he tried with all his might not to move. The deafening quiet of the entire building made his every move in the suit of armor sound like the ricochet of a bullet off of metal. Yet as he watched the moonlight pour in through the window only to highlight the small frame on the bed, he couldn't help but lean forward to rest his elbows on his knees only to cradle his head in his hands.

The sound to anyone else might have made their skin crawl; all Al could do was wince. It was like a high whine that echoed off the walls as the metal rubbed against metal. Had he the breath to hold, he would have suffocated as he kept his attention on his older brother. Ed only mumbled something then turned onto his side facing the window. Slowly relaxing, the younger Elric returned to his melancholy thoughts. Why did Edward do so much for him? Was it out of guilt, or because he truly loved him that much? Scanning the liquid gold that spilled over the white of the linens, Al's head tilted slightly.

How could he have said such awful things to the one person he cared most about in this life? Ed was all that he had left. Reaching out slowly, fingers that shouldn't have been so large gingerly slid over the hair that should have been silken to the touch. Curling his fingers just slightly, the strands glided through them fluidly only to fall back to the bed. In that moment, Alphonse knew that he would have cried, had he the body to do so. He couldn't even wake his brother to get him to comfort him. How could you ask someone to comfort a person that couldn't even feel? Before pulling his hand away, he vaguely moved it to touch the automail arm thoughtfully. It was probably cold. Metal had a tendency to make all temperatures far more drastic than it really was. But he couldn't be sure. In fact he had no idea.

_Are you cold…_

_ …or not? This body feels nothing…_

Was he? Was the armor cold now? Tearing his eyes away from that nearly porcelain, metal and gold image of his brother, he nearly curled in on himself. One arm wrapped about the area that would have been his abdomen while his other hand moved to cover his eyes. Bending forward, he turned away in one motion. There was no shutting out the wakefulness, the thoughts, or the noise that slowly melted into that disturbing quiet once again. During the day, Al was fine. Even without the sense of feeling, he could at least be strong in order to encourage his brother. But when the night fell, he was all alone. It was the one part of being in the armor he hated the most. And after the day they'd both had, he wished with all his might that he could feel the places that Ed had struck in their little fight on the roof of the hospital. At least the pain would have been a sort of retribution for his own stupidity. He didn't even have that.

"Al?" How had he missed the sound from the bed? Of limbs twisting and tangling in the sheets as the small form turned to face him. "Something bothering you?"

The all too sleepy voice was almost too drowsy and wane even when it had no other sound to compete with. Lifting his head up in order to peer at his older brother, he met the gaze of half lidded gold that almost seemed to look straight through him. More than anything, Ed looked like a little child fighting off the grip of sleep. Al could only realize that he would have smiled if he could. "Don't worry about it. Go back to sleep."

"Don wanna..." The slurred words were spoken even as the young State Alchemist fought off a yawn. "S'matter?"

Shaking his head, the large form of armor rose to his feet then slowly untangled the sheets from around his brother almost as though he should have rightfully been the elder. After succeeding, he pulled the linen up to Ed's shoulders then did the same with the blanket that had been kicked off accidentally. "I'm just thinking. It's ok. But you should be sleeping. I know you want out of here."

"Hm..." The halfhearted sound was almost a purr as Ed buried himself deeper into the covers. Bangs of sunlit gold fell into his small countenance lightly tickling his nose. Twitching slightly in the discomfort, he was too out of it to actually push it away. "'m sorry..."

"Don't be." Al let out something that sounded like a sigh, but was no more than a sound. With that he forced the bulky digits of his hand to be feather light in touch as he smoothed the hair from Edward's face. "You worry more than you should as it is." The tone was very soft, as he watched the slight smile that curled Ed's lips.

"S'what big brother's for." The nearly comical sound of his voice tapered off into the night as Al continued his vigil. Even on the verge of sleep, Edward was still trying too hard, and it made Al wish that much more that he could be a person again. He longed just to hug his brother and share something more than a contact that only one of them could feel.

"Yes, that's true. Now... go to sleep."

"Mm... k." It was surprising that Ed had woken up at all. Normally he slept hard enough that a hurricane wouldn't have woken him up. That is, unless it stooped so far as to say anything about his height. Al laughed, but he felt even more empty as the hollow sound barely had the effect a laugh should have. But he wouldn't complain. Not when the person in front of him relied so heavily upon him.

Edward had been scared. That's what both he and Winry had said. Scared that Alphonse would blame it all on him. But how could he? He was just as guilty as Ed was for the predicament they were both now in. He could have protested what they'd been doing at anytime, but he didn't. Not only that, he could never hate his brother. Even when he'd thought that Barry had been right, he still didn't hate Ed. It was just a gnawing feeling on his mind that made him know that he was crushed. Al wanted his body back, but he would hold off on that as long as he had to. Dropping his head slowly, his gaze hit the floor. He would never ask too much of his brother, and he'd much rather have him near than sacrifice anymore for his sake.

"Al..." Jolting up again in surprise, he almost fell from the chair as he realized that the orbs of gold still heavy with sleep were now inches before him. Without waiting for a response, Ed leaned closer and slid off the bed only to flop with little grace into his lap. Slipping both arms about the younger's steel neck, the sound of the automail scraping against his armor was soft yet loud all at once. Curling into the immense form, Al was too dumbstruck to really respond. "S'ok... jus cause I don't say anything, doesn't mean I'm not here." Ed gave another soft sigh as his head rested upon the expanse of cool steel that made up Alphonse' chest. He didn't complain about the cold, merely shivered a bit.

Tentatively, Al gently placed a hand about the slight waist balancing the older as his brother seemed to relax. He couldn't feel it, but he knew this was probably very cold for the young alchemist. "Ed..." The soft voice was almost remorseful as he forced out his next words. "You don't need to do this. You're going to get cold." As he moved to lift the form, eyes the color of sunlight opened to stare at the other defiantly even through the haze of sleep.

"No." There was a long silence and with each passing second, the eyelids slid lazily closed as Ed swayed a bit from sleepiness. Al groaned and shook his head before reaching out to pull the blanket off the bed. Carefully draping it over slender shoulders, he then reclined back into the chair saying nothing as Ed moved to get more comfortable. Somehow... he knew this was going to be his fault when his brother awoke in the morning sore.

Moving so that most of the blanket blocked the cool steel from warm skin, Al cradled his brother close suddenly with a need he didn't know he had. No, he couldn't feel the warmth. There wasn't even the feel of the weight, but he knew that Ed was there. Once more the golden hair slipped down the deep grey metal of his armor in a brilliant contrast illuminated with the blue light of the moon. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was more than he could ask for. Ed murmured incoherently as Al hugged him close for just a moment extremely careful of how hard he pressed. Before he even knew it, Ed was once more sound asleep.

By all rights, he should have just put the older back in the bed, but the selfish side he rarely let shine through refused to let go. And even through the lack of feeling, he was content with the small gift he was given. Even if he would be yelled at come sunrise, at least he'd have this moment to think about. But then again, maybe he could feel... just not through touch... because as he looked at his brother and listened to his breathing, Alphonse Elric felt love.


	2. Chapter 2

SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1**Title: **Lack of Feeling

**Author: **Lune Nightingale

**Warnings: **I've not seen the anime, and thus this takes place during the manga. Also, this could be considered really like Elricest... But it could also be completely ignored as well.

**Author's Note: **This is done through Ed's point of view.I don't know if it's quite right, but I was curious to see what it would be like from his point of view. Though, you could just read Al's and not even read this. sweatdrops

It had been hard, but sleep had finally claimed his overly exhausted body. Unfortunately, his mind never was fair when it came to letting him rest. Or was it his soul that seemed to cry out in anguish whenever the defenses lowered in sleep? Sometimes something cried deep inside when there was nothing but silence and darkness. Yet, even in sleep, he denied that it was his own heart that was crying. Stubborn. Edward Elric was a name that would be listed in the definition of that word. Or was it just resolve? Regardless, after the day's events, that resolve had been shaken to a point that it nearly crumbled beneath his feet. No, he wouldn't admit it. He would admit that his heart had broken with a sickening feeling in his chest as Alphonse accused him of creating him and 'programming' him to be his little brother.

_Return him… He's my little brother…_

How could he ask such a thing? And yet, how could Ed have the right to be hurt? It was his fault. Al couldn't breathe, smile, cry, or feel... In all essence of the word, Al wasn't alive. But he refused to believe it. He absolutely refused to let his brother go.

_Whether it's my legs or both my arms…I can even give you my heart!_

It was such pure selfishness. Transmuting Al's soul to that armor had been an act of selfishness that only a child would do. But Alphonse was all he had left. If there was anyone he loved more than his mother, it was his little brother. Now he missed that smile and the expressive eyes of bronze. But at the least, Al was still there. Cringing on the inside at his own conceited desires, he barely made out the sound of metal scraping at his bedside. Al... There were many nights that his younger brother sat at his bedside and watched him sleep. The sound of the armor's movements had been a comfort to him at those times. It was the reminder that Al was still there with him. He believed that with all his heart and soul.

Ed rolled onto his side shivering just a bit from the feel of his cold arm coming to rest on the curve of his side, but still he remained in the hold of troubled thoughts and dreams. Something like a touch slipped through his awareness, but soon disappeared in the well of his unconsciousness only to disappear in the sleep of the mind. It actually surprised him, as he wasn't a shallow sleeper. Al seemed restless in his movements tonight...

The sound erupted again, louder this time drawing him from his troubled sleep causing him to roll in it's direction only to huff as he felt the sheets tangle themselves in his legs and about his torso. Slowly he opened his eyes and blinked attempting to focus his vision on his younger brother. As the image came into view, his heart pounded in his chest. If he hadn't known better, Ed would have believed that Al was indeed crying. Fighting the urge to drift off, he gently called his brother's name. "Al?" Watching the other lift his head, he sighed on a breath as the metal features turned to face him. "Something bothering you?"

_So please… Return him to me! He's my only brother! _

"Don't worry about it. Go back to sleep." Ed kept his eyes open by sheer willpower alone. Not that his sight was going to really help him in this matter. Al couldn't express himself in any other way that his voice. And by the sound of it, he was deeply troubled.

"Don wanna..." Stifling a yawn, he reasoned he was better off awake now anyway. If he drifted back to sleep, he would only have to hear the accusations and face the nightmares that were waiting for him. "S'matter?"

Watching the way the moonlight reflected off the metal almost appreciatively, the alchemist barely realized that Al was now taking care of him again. He put up no resistance as the large hands tugged the sheet away and then gently recovered him. Nor did he complain as the warmth of the blanket was returned to his body. It was welcomed. It was the main draw back from having automail. It made one extremely susceptible to temperature, and right then, he was cold. "I'm just thinking. It's ok. But you should be sleeping. I know you want out of here."

"Hm..." Ed could only purr as the warmth was slowly being returned to his skin. Not that he really liked Al's answer; it was just really hard for him to stay awake. Especially now that he was sinking into the warmth of the linens unknowingly. Nuzzling the blanket he felt the slow slide of hair as it fell into his face. It tickled, but the lead feeling in his limbs kept him from doing anything about it. Why was he so tired? It was probably due to the blood loss. "'m sorry."

"Don't be." Frowning a bit at the sound of that voice, Ed's heart began to hurt again. How could Al say that? This was his fault after all. At the feel of the large fingers brushing his hair away, he felt a shiver run up his spine. Soon he let a smile touch his lips even though he was still worried about the younger Elric. "You worry more than you should as it is."

He worried too much? No, Ed would never believe it was enough much less too much. Taking a deep breath, he merely pushed it aside knowing that if he argued, he'd only hurt the younger more. "S'what big brother's for."

"Yes, that's true. Now... go to sleep."

Edward would have either fumed or laughed had he been more awake. Because the way his brother said that, he'd swear that he was the younger brother rather than the elder. "Mm... k." Forcing out the response, he felt the haze of his mind grow thicker. It wasn't that he was agreeing, it was just getting harder to argue with his own body. Besides, Al wasn't being open enough as it was... Slipping deeper into the bed, he barely noticed that it was hard and uncomfortable like most hospital beds were. Instead his mind wandered back to the quality of his brother's voice. It had seemed so forced.

The National Alchemist was quite aware of the fact that Al couldn't sleep. In that body, he wasn't capable of it. That only made Ed hurt more. The boy curled in on himself a bit as he furrowed his brow. He couldn't imagine the loneliness of spending the long hours of the night wide awake with no release or rest for a troubled mind. Guilt ate at his heart as he slowly came closer to being awake. Suddenly he regretted all the nights he slept so soundly and Al was left in the solitude of silence. But what could he do? With all his being he wanted to get Al's body back. He _would_ get it back. Even if he never restored his own, he would give it all to get Al back to what he was. Opening his eyes slowly, he watched sadly as his brother lowered his head.

He didn't hold the day's events against the younger. Rather he felt that he deserved it. Not once had Alphonse spoken up on the unfairness of his situation. Sometimes he swore that his brother wasn't afraid of anything. Sometimes people thought the same of him. But no one knew that the one thing they feared the most other than their master was losing each other. That strong resolve that so many rolled their eyes at was there for Al and Al alone. No matter what, he would make his mistakes right. He would see that smile and those eyes that he missed so much. But it was enough for now, just to have Al there. He was there at his bedside and even though they'd fought, they'd come to a resolution. Why he still had that beautiful person next to him still he'd never know. Was it trust? Was it because Al loved him? Or was it both?

Frowning deeply, he slowly slid up onto his arms and leaned in his younger brother's direction feeling the mess of golden hair slide over his shoulders. "Al..." Ed didn't want his brother to be alone anymore. As the younger turned to face him, the boy leaned forward in order to slide into his brother's lap. It was an awkward movement in his sleep drunken state, but he was resolute in his actions. As the cool metal hit the warm skin, he instantly shivered from the cold, but he relaxed and forced himself to ignore it. "S'ok... jus cause I don't say anything, doesn't mean I'm not here." To him, Al was his brother. It didn't matter if he was in his original body, or in the hollow shell of armor that now held his soul.

As Al placed a hand to his back, Ed reflexively leaned into it groggily realizing that Al was finally speaking. "Ed..." The voice was almost heartbreaking to the young alchemist as it filled his ears. "You don't need to do this. You're going to get cold." Without being told, the blonde knew what Al was planning to do. Lifting his head, he opened his eyes and sent the younger the most defiant gaze he could muster. Sadly, it probably wasn't all that effective as his head swirled in the fog of exhaustion.

"No." Biting out the word in a tone that gave no room for arguing, he had no will to defend his decision further. And so, to show the finality he allowed the heavy lids to fall closed. Why did Al have to always worry so much about him anyway? He was the one suffering at the moment; couldn't he let him at least try to help? Yet, at the sound of Al's groan, a small smile curved his lips as he gloated the small victory in his mind. This ended though as the warmth of the blanket was returned to his body. But no matter how he wanted to cling to the material, he didn't release the younger from his hold. Shifting to get more comfortable, he continued to smile to himself.

It was so bittersweet. Ed could feel the armor warm beneath him, but he knew that Al wouldn't feel it. He could feel his arms looped securely about Al's neck, but the younger could only tell by sight alone. But it was all that he could give the one reason he pushed on everyday. After all was said and done, he was only a child. Genius as he was, this was all he could do to comfort this person. As small of an act as it was, it had to be enough for now. A night's discomfort was nothing compared to what Al went through every night. He would trade places with him in an instant if he could. Because even though Alphonse couldn't feel him there, he was there. And maybe... just maybe, Al would be able to see, even feel the most important thing. That he, Edward Elric... loved him.


End file.
